Captain Ted Sputh

THE LIES OF THE NOT SO RICH AND FAMOUS

By

 CAPTAIN TED SPUTH

Why not, just for an interesting lark, be somebody else for a while?  Be a pretender and just for a short time, you can make your wildest dreams seem like they are your reality.      

One famous pretender has been imprisoned five times for impersonating a medical doctor.  He worked at community clinics treating poor patients and flew volunteer medical missions to Mexico.  He even gained acceptance as a doctor at a well-regarded Los Angeles clinic performing employment exams on…FBI Agents and employees of the Federal Reserve Bank!

In 2003, the law caught up with a bigamist that stole from nine wives by juggling at least as many stories.  The hardest thing to imagine about this caper is even pretending to one’s self that nine wives is a good idea!

Another pretender with a sense of humor impersonated a genetics expert and spoke at a California Medical Association luncheon to present his findings which concluded that there was a genetic flaw that led to “insensitivity and rudeness” in doctors and lawyers. 

The yachting industry has not been exempt from the adventures and the lies of the not so rich and famous.  With a little imagination and a lot of panache you can pretend to be the owner of one of the more glamorous, luxurious, enviable possessions known to man…a mega yacht.     

I recently received a phone call from a dreamer, a wisher, a liar, a hoper, and a pretender all wrapped up in one man who claimed to be a very wealthy Doctor of Psychology, who for the sake of story telling, I will call Dr. P. 

Dr. P’s fantasy voyage into the world of mega yachts began with a phone call to two major yacht builders where he navigated his way directly to the top man in the organizations.  He then put in not one but two offers to purchase vessels including a turn-key yacht and a new build that would be at least two years until completion.  Dr. P would, of course, pay the asking price for both vessels. Contracts were expedited to his home so that the sale could be completed in quick order.  One of the vessels was going to be a gift for Dr. P’s dear Mother. 

Dr. P’s next call was to a Crew Agency, who then called me to set up a phone interview.  My first contact with the good Doctor was on a Thursday evening.  I had a previous social engagement but decided to opt in favor of the interview because of the glowing report that the crew agency had given Dr. P.

Our first conversation lasted about two hours.  We covered the usual qualifications for a captain and then moved on to management policies and crew and owner needs.  The subject of owner needs became lengthy due to the numerous religious restrictions that Dr. P labored under.  I promised to familiarize myself with his religion and I assured him that if I became the Captain of his vessel that appropriate crew measures would be taken to protect his beliefs.  Dr. P said that he had three young daughters and that the young men that were crew members should never talk to or look at his daughters.  Now, I’m starting to think about emergency situations where this edict might be hard to facilitate on a mega yacht and I’m trying to convince myself that I can make this happen without problems.  But, our conversation seemed so intuitive and reasonable that I was willing to go the distance to make his dream of a blind and mute crew a reality.  

The culmination of our Thursday conversation was that I would study his religion and that I would provide in writing the appropriate manning requirements for a 325’ mega yacht that was in the final stages of negotiation.  My mind was working overtime.  The possibilities could include Christina O of the legendary Aristotle Onassis making a grand culmination of my 29 years of driving boats.  It just kept getting better! 

I did all of my manning research and reminded Dr. P that I had not allowed for security, helicopter pilots, dive instructors, nannies, or multiple chefs but, by now, the sky was the limit.  One little nagging brain-teaser was that he had asked me to send my research to his daughter’s email. I had heard children playing in the background of our conversation.  He even spent a bit of time during one of his lengthy discourses reprimanding the background noise.   However, my vision was a bit clouded by dollar signs to make too much out of this little quirky request of the email destination. 

Friday dawned bright and beautiful.  Dr. P called and said he wanted to hire me to be the “Super Captain” for all of his yachts. He said that he wanted to pay me $500,000 per year, a car, and a home in Hawaii.  He said he would have his attorneys draw up a contract and that I should receive the paperwork by Monday or Tuesday of the following week.  Now, I know that I’m a good captain---maybe even a super captain--- but $500,000 and a home in Hawaii sight unseen!  I’m starting to feel that little pin rearing its’ ugly head to burst my bubble!

Dr. P said that he would contact me again on Saturday.  During my Friday to Saturday waking hours, I frantically called friends and searched the internet for some sign of hope that Dr. P was, indeed, one of the elite rich and famous but my efforts were to no avail. I was able to verify that he had called two major yacht builders and tendered a purchase.  His phone number and name came up on my caller ID and I was able to trace his address through a reverse phone search on the internet.  But, his name did not show mega-wealth.  The old adage from Shakespeare, all that (glisters) glitters is not gold, was reverberating in my brain.  

On Saturday afternoon, my benefactor called and said that he had a great idea.  He was sending his private jet to Indianapolis, Indiana, on Sunday to pick up my wife and me to fly us to Hawaii. He further said that he would meet us at the airport and whisk me off to a tailor where I would be fitted for an especially designed Captain’s uniform.  As soon as the uniform was perfect, he was flying in a world renowned artist who would duplicate my image in oils. Dr. P was going to then hang the life sized oil painting of his “Super Captain” above his chair in his office.

POP went the bubble!  I actually became hysterical with laughter thinking about my face on the famous oil painting of Napoleon Bonaparte!   I told Dr. P that he had made me very happy. Dr. P promised to call on Sunday to make arrangements for the jet.  And that’s the end of the story.  It gave me a good laugh…not a $500,000.00 laugh but a good laugh!

The interesting phenomena about a personality stepping out of regular life into a fantasy world, is that the deceiver knows that there will be no lasting pay off and that sooner or later they will be caught.  The motivation for this “pretending behavior” is sometimes manifested in the psyche during childhood or adult lives when a person of importance has told the fraudster that they are inadequate and that they have not lived up to expectations. The good feeling that comes from the adrenalin rush of getting away with something is only perpetuated by thoughts of how long they can make the fantasy last.  The greater the risk factor, the greater the rush. In retrospect, I should have noticed subtle signs of deception early in our conversation.  Name dropping and a careless attitude toward money is not usually the modus operandi of the truly secure wealthy.  The ego of the pretending individual often displays in grandiose patterns where money is almost never an issue.